A holiday and Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is never a relaxing thing! Don’t get me wrong, when I am away it’s amazing and I can unwind and relax, it’s the getting out the door for a holiday that can set off some of my triggers!
Everybody probably gets holiday stress before a holiday with or without PMDD! Where is my passport? What shall I pack? What can we do there? Who’s going to look after the pets? The list can go on!
Studies have shown forty-four per cent of women report an increase of stress during the build up to holidays versus 31 per cent of men. I bet the studies didn’t take into count that of the 44% of women, 5% of them may have PMDD and most of them probably don’t know that they have the condition! Now for someone with PMDD like myself, the anxiety, worry, immense feeling of being over whelmed, paranoia can lead to what I call, an explosive episode before you even go on holiday! I mean I can literally be standing in my hallway with my suitcase, freaking out over the simplest of things! Then I can spend most of the holiday feeling guilty and annoyed at myself for getting angry!
In the past before I got medical help for my condition, there hasn’t been that many great starts to holidays for me! I always say you truly know someone when you go on holiday with them! Well you will truly know a person with PMDD before and during a holiday!
1 month into my relationship with Sam, we went on holiday! He stuck around after, he saw every shade of my colours, and he knew what he was getting into! 50 shades of red anger!
The anxiety and feeling of being over whelmed has been so much before, that it resulted in the past I’ve refused to go away on holiday!
One holiday was so bad though! I literally ruined it for all my friends! My best mate Rach, was even on for getting a boat to Ibiza to escape me! I got so angry at Sam in the airport over the simplest things! I refused to sit with our group! I didn’t speak to anyone, more arguments between me and Sam continued. I ended up walking off one night crying and I didn’t tell anybody! Resulting in a search party from my friends to find me! A little dramatic, but at the time I was so emotionally upset over the way I was feeling I just felt like running! I broke up with Sam; I called him all the names! His best mate took him to one side and asked “do you really want to spend the rest of your life with Han?”
Our mates vowed never to go away with me again! They did after many apologies from me, but we went closer to home and not abroad! I also paid as I felt so guilty! We had a much more enjoyable time that holiday, it also helped I was getting help this time and treatment!
The anxiety and feeling of being overwhelmed has been so much before that I’ve actually refused to go away on holiday! I was 14 at the time. We had friends from Australia over and everyone was going to Scotland. I packed my bags, told my mum and dad to go get fucked and I went to stay with my mum’s friend whilst they went on holiday! My dad felt so guilty about having a holiday without me, that he turned up before he left and begged me to go. I reluctantly agreed and we all regretted that decision! #nightmare
I can’t remember much, but I do remember I had many episodes, one involving me locking myself in the wardrobe for a few days, refusing to come out! Sadly I didn’t find the door to Narnia, just a lonely dark space!
My mum said I was worse than the devils child that week! Our Australian friends said if they had a child like me, they would have throttled them by now!
Understanding some of those Triggers
As you can see, holidays and PMDD are not the best mix! I’m not saying that because you have PMDD you shouldn’t ever go on holiday, or that you will have episodes. What I am saying is be mindful!
My hubby Sam has learnt this over the years and now basically won’t bite, won’t rush me and is very patient. He understands I can get overwhelmed, he’s realised what works and what doesn’t work for me. We openly talk about my moods, we have a calendar for mapping them and we know my triggers. It’s taken a while to get to this point! But knowing this, I find is key when living everyday with PMDD.
Over the years I’ve learnt some of what my triggers can be when going on holiday; ‘Being rushed!’
Man I hate being rushed ANY time! Let alone being rushed out the door for a holiday! I worry as I get anxious I’ve left things, I haven’t gathered my thoughts, and being rushed can aggravate all this.
Sam does this talking clock thing, like he’s the time keeper! “It’s 10am, we are leaving in an hour!” “It’s now 10.20, we only have 40mins!”
It goes on like this till I start screaming, “I know how to tell the fucking time and I don’t need to feel rushed!” (Add a few more swear words into that sentence!)
One of my other trigger is; ‘The not knowing!’ I am a slight control freak. I like to know what’s happening, organise and research places, know what there is to do, places of interest etc.
As Elsa sings in frozen, “Let it go!” I’m slowly learning this, however, I will spend time before having a talk about places we can visit, what we want to do etc. so I am well prepared.
Miracles do happen; it’s just looking for the good in the bad of any situation!
We didn’t get a chance last year for a family holiday, because I was getting treatment for PMDD and having to pay for the private medical help for this, we also decided on doing a house renovation as well! So Sam and I both really felt it! It was lovely that this year we were able to have a holiday as a family.
We decided on going to Cornwall and we both wanted to visit Looe. If you ever get a chance, you have to go there. It is extremely beautiful and so scenic. As a family trip for us, Looe had everything, best of all it had the most amazing ice-cream shop! When in Rome, have an ice-cream. Ha
Well for the first time in my life, a miracle happened upon leaving the house! There was no me crying and shouting in the hallway! Slamming car doors in a huff, refusing to talk to Sam the whole journey there. Nope instead, Sam and I left our house without any arguments! We joked that the patches are working, and that it’s only taken 14 years! Little did we know the disasters and challenge that waited us when we arrived...
We arrived at our caravan, quickly realising we had forgotten to pack Austin’s bag of clothes in the car! Our poor toddler had NOTHING! I packed his bag of clothes, but somehow between linings up all our bags for Sam to pack in the car. This didn’t happen!
Now I blamed Sam, he blamed me, for the sake of arguments, we BOTH forgot his bag!
Now normally I would have responded NUCLEAR! That button would have been pressed and BOOM! Our holiday would have probably been over there and then!
Instead miracle No. 2 happened. I said nothing of whose fault it was, I just took myself off for a long 10 mins! Deep breaths followed by a phone call to my best friend, ranting and raving to realise the tension!
I let it go! We had to then go out on a mad mission, supermarket sweep trying to find some clothes from somewhere without driving miles away!
I felt like the worst parent ever! Poor Austin, he would have only had; 2 x pants, the shorts he was wearing, 2 x t-shirts for the whole holiday if not!
Man I felt like utter shit! How could I forget my baby’s clothes? Or not double check what Sam was packing? I didn’t feel as bad as the mother in Home alone! At least I didn’t forget my son, like she forgot Kevin! We just somehow managed to not bring ANY clothes for holiday!
So a lot of money later, we bought clothes for the week! Disaster avoided! The entire time he ate however, we we’re making sure he wore a bib, cleaning his clothes or stripping him naked for food! “No Mess” was the sentence poor Austin heard all holiday!
Despite spending some of our holiday fund, we still had an amazing time. It was great just to spend time away, relax, unwind and see Austin enjoy himself, also to see him learn to swim.
Looking after your own well-being is so important in life when every day you suffer! Doing something we all loved was great. We went walking exploring new places like Polperro. Now what a place that is!
If you ever feel low or down in life? Just spend a day in Polperro, that place is so picturesque, calm and relaxing, it can literally charge up your batteries! Warning! Just don’t eat outside, the seagulls are real pricks! They will take your ice-cream!
Just being able to sit and listening to the waves crashing was the most relaxed I’ve been in a while, all whilst I got to watch Austin and Daddy fish for crabs, Badly!
Recharging those batteries and Mindfulness
PMDD isn’t always about the mood swings; there are many other things that can affect you! I had some awful headaches, joint and muscle pain, and fatigue on holiday. I nearly had to walk around with a helmet to stop me from hurting myself were I was nearly passing out cold sleeping! I took simple steps, I rested when I could, took pain relief when needed and I most of all I took time out to relax.
Above all else, I enjoyed every moment with my family, my soul needed a break.
In my journey of this condition, I am learning to look for the good in any of the bad situations, regardless how hard it might be at the time! Yes, we forgot Austin’s clothes! But I wouldn’t have discovered Trago mills, and discovered woodlands near where we had a nice walk in the woods and near and found woodland full of Bluebells!
Learning to ‘let it go!’ relax, unwind, I didn’t get angry, miracles did happen, and yes it has taken 14 years to learn this! I was able to practice my mindfulness meditation; I got to feel more positive in beautiful surroundings.
Taking notice of my triggers, what can make me get very angry and emotional, and being able to talk openly about them, is helping me slowly. I’m learning It really doesn’t matter how silly or insignificant it is, putting those steps in place to prevent you losing control, will help.
Taking time out and enjoying time away will make you feel like your batteries are charged and you are ready for the next challenges ahead.
Now, I just have to lose this holiday weight! Damn you Ice-cream and Cornish pasties.