Any decision in life to have children is normally a decision in a relationship that you discuss somewhere along the lines. Before we had a formal diagnosis of premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) Sam and myself discussed our feelings about children.
This feeling of wanting a child was unbearable for years, it caused so many arguments in my relationship with Sam. I felt I was ready but Sam had his reservations, he was worried about me and my moods as he called it. I didn’t get a formal diagnosis of PMDD until after we had Austin, so back then it was me being irrational and moody! The wanting to have a child was a thought that I couldn’t push away, it helped that as a couple, we spoke about our concerns! This wasn’t always easy and Sam did face the brunt of my episodes as I call them!
Many years passed and Sam still didn’t want children, so I threw myself into becoming the best aunty and godmother I could to all my friend’s children! I genuinely believed that I wouldn’t have children, partly from the doctors telling me there was a slim chance due to having polycystic ovaries, and most people voicing concerns on how I would be if I had children with my moods!
Wanting to love something, Sam said I could have a goldfish! This devastated me, he really didn’t understand how heart breaking it was every time someone told us they were expecting a baby. In the end I went out and bought Bella, my gorgeous cat, she filled the void of wanting to give my love but it’s hard when all you can think is having children!
All that changed, it was my 29th birthday, I said to Sam I didn’t want to celebrate my 30th birthday, I wanted to celebrate being in the last of my 20s! Many sangrias later and the rest was history!
I can remember the day I thought to myself I must be pregnant, it was my mate Jon’s birthday and we were taking part in a Total wipe-out course! What a way to find out you are pregnant! I lasted about one lap, if you would call it that! Diving into freezing cold water, bouncing from great heights, nearly drowning all whilst my hubby left me, because he wanted to get the best time on the course! Thank you Timmy for saving me from drowning, you earned the title of godfather!
I puked my guts up, I couldn’t stop vomiting, I got changed and I felt awful! My best mate, bless her, didn’t know that I was pregnant and politely reminded me not to get angry at Sam, that it was Jon’s birthday we had come away for! My mates were very used to my public outbursts and annoyance of rants at things. I went and sat in the car as I felt so tired, I quickly fell asleep in the car. Sam typically was completely oblivious to what had happened, he later came to the car when we were leaving and asked if I was alright! He got a bit of a mouthful as I was not impressed he didn’t care and I felt like shit! He got the cold shoulder the entire journey from Cornwall back to Bristol.
A week later I still felt awful, I couldn’t stay awake, I was drained, felt sick. I was in work and for some reason I don’t know why but I peed on a maternity test, the lines faintly turned up. I was shocked! Mainly because I was told for so long that I probably wouldn’t be able to conceive children without help, and here I was looking at the test with the reality that I was pregnant hitting me hard in the face!
It’s a very weird emotion finding out you are pregnant, one part is so excited, then you feel panic, then head back to excitement. That day was a blur! I told Sam and he was over the moon that I was pregnant. I couldn’t believe that I was going to be a mummy.
What I soon came to realise very quickly and looking back now on my whole experience, NO one really spoke about pregnancy and what the reality is of being pregnant! So naturally, I went into pregnancy thinking that this unrealistic expectation I had been dreaming of for many years, was all a LIE!!
Pregnancy isn’t all roses, cupcakes, rainbows and sparkly glitter unicorns and puppies! God knows I wish the birth was! The birth was my cat and me diving in the ocean looking at fish! I was very high on drugs!
The moment you have a bump; it also seems that everyone in the world wants to give you advice or tell you a horror story about someone they know who was pregnant! Warning this doesn’t stop when you have kids!
My pregnancy was filled with doubt, pain, opinions, no continuity with health care professionals and no one listening to me.
I found that people close to me weren’t saying “I think you will be an incredible mum”, reality was, I felt I became open season for anybody speaking out about their concerns of me!
“I worry you will suffer with post-natal depression, your hormonal at the best of times!”
“I worry you might not be able to cope when the baby has kept you awake all night!”
“Do you think you are really ready for this?’
It was a little late as I was pregnant and about to have my first child! These doubts and everyone giving me there two pence worth, really affected me through my pregnancy! The only thing that helped, was for the first time since I was 13, I felt what I can only describe as normal! I wasn’t hormonal, stroppy, I felt absolutely fine. Being the only one of my friends that was pregnant at the time was hard, my friends who had kids understood, but I was going through life not knowing I had PMDD and what would happen after I had Austin. So pregnancy was fine but having the baby was a huge shock, especially when my periods came back after Ii stopped breastfeeding, what was worse was the treatment towards me as a mum and lack of understanding.
My pregnancy wasn’t a breeze there was difficulties! I had multiple water infections, and complications with my back. I had such severe symphysis pubis dysfunction (SPD) I was in so much pain.
I became very disheartened during my pregnancy with the pain, I didn’t have a continuous midwife which made me more angry! I was explaining myself over and over to each different one about my back, concerns and stating for first time I felt normal, I felt I wasn’t being listened to!
I was lucky enough I was referred to the physio therapy department in Bristol, via my GP and they thankfully had a place for me within their antenatal hydrotherapy.
I had such a supportive manager, I worked out my times to be able to go to Hydrotherapy with work.
Lying in that pool was heaven! It was so relaxing and amazing to just float, be weightless in bath like temperatures. I can honestly say it’s the only time I felt relaxed and not in pain.
One day I broke down in tears in the pool to the other mums to be! I said I had enough of being pregnant, struggling, not sleeping and having to listen to everyone’s opinions! The pain was just becoming too much! It didn’t help that I struggled that day to get out of the pool, I needed assistance to get out, I felt like a beached whale! They were incredible, they cheered me up and gave me encouragement throughout.
My SPD became so bad that I was dependant on crutches and towards the end of my pregnancy I had to borrow my mums wheelchair as I had lost the use of my left leg! I had terrible pins and needles and the pain was unreal, it was awful because towards the end of my pregnancy I couldn’t take pain relief.
I had a lot of support from St Michael’s hospital, after a routine appointment I was admitted into hospital, I was on a maternity ward and looked after by a lovely midwife. I spent a few days in so much pain and I kept falling over as my balance wasn’t great. I kept losing the use of my leg and without my crutches, I would just fall!
In hospital I met the most incredible women called Mel, our babies were due around the same time, everything she said was like a page from my life book! I generally believe the universe put us in hospital at same time to become friends. On the same ward Mel took great care of me, bringing me cups of tea, cookies and food, I’m so glad that even to this date our children are friends and we see each other as often as possible.
Before you're baby is due, you get a visit from your health visitor. It was all very strange for me, I wasn’t sure what she would say, or what she would do? I didn’t know if I had to prepare anything? The health visitor comes to answer any of those niggley questions or concerns. Don’t worry they aren’t coming to check up on you or judge you as a mum, its painless, I realised all that after spending ages scrubbing everything!
The only person I had meet who was pregnant and had longer then a 10-minute conversation was Mel! I was working and hadn’t had a chance to talk to other mums about pregnancy! I explained to my health visitor that I felt uncertain at times and that I was worried and lonely! I was worried from what people had been saying to me about concerns of my moods and how I would be after I had the baby! I just told my health visitor I was worried from what people had been saying and she never asked me why? Looking back, I should have spoken up more, and been more honest about how I was really feeling, I might have had better help after my baby was born. Instead she explained that it was common for women to feel like I was, I can understand that, but I always knew I had a problem but I didn’t know I had PMDD, and after I had my baby, the feelings and symptoms of PMDD can be more intensified when all your hormones come back and can be worse than before.
I was coming towards the end of my pregnancy and I’ve never felt so alone, I was scared of what was expected? what I had to do when baby is here? what the reality was? And most importantly I felt I had no one to talk to that was in the same boat?
My health visitor gave me broachers and I got in contact with my local children’s centre ‘Southern Links’ as they ran a prenatal group.
Now all I can say is ‘Southern Links’ has been one of the best places for me and my saving grace when things have been very hard! They have been there for me, made me tea when I’ve cried, offered me support and given me encouragement to be the best parent I can be. They have also taught me the valuable lesson, to trust my instincts and not to feel guilty for taking time for me.
The Prenatal group made me feel welcomed the first day I went, I was a late comer to the group, but the ladies in the group were great. Little did I know that some of these amazing ladies would become some of my closets mates. The Prenatal group also was for the partners, which was great because sometimes when you are pregnant it can all become about mum and people forget about dad!
Sam voiced his concerns about before I got pregnant he was worried I would not cope and stated many occasions that during pregnancy, he was shocked because I was the most normal I have ever been. He felt our relationship was stronger, we were having more fun and he didn’t feel like he was walking on egg shells!
The children’s centre picked up on Sam’s remarks and asked us questions about this, Sam said she has always been a bit crazy around her hormones and that everyone says it gets worse when women are pregnant but not for me! They offered their support, but like so many people out there they didn’t know about PMDD! I know that had they have known about hormone related disorders, they would have supported me in getting help immediately. When Sam made the same remarks the midwifes never picked up on them and said that this sometimes is normal!
Since I’ve had Austin, Southern Links and spoke openly to them about my battles and attended their support groups. They have been very keen to know about PMDD and openly asked about how can they support other mums who may have it. They are also the lovely people that encouraged me to speak up about PMDD and give me the courage to write my blog, without them all of this really wouldn’t have been possible.
The mums I meet in the parental group became the MILFS, and what absolute legends these amazing women are. Without Lisa, Casey, Liza and Kati, I would have really sunk! The late night questions, pictures, and not to mention the question, what is birth really like? I was falling hard after I had Austin and they were there every step of the way, giving me support, care and love. These women are incredible and I would have never have meet them if it wasn’t for Southern Links. Our babies are close, we meet up as often as possible and it’s great to see them growing up together.
I never meet any women on my actual antenatal class, it was rushed and I’m glad I went to the prenatal group, otherwise after I had Austin, I would have felt more alone.
I was very lucky during and after my pregnancy, to have such great family, friends, support networks around me, those first couple of months are hard, but who am I kidding, having kids full stop is hard at every stage. Just when you think you’ve mastered one stage, they have oved on to the next!
Sadly my experience with my midwifes and health visitor wasn’t the best, don’t get me wrong they were all lovely but I felt they really didn’t understand, or that they listen to me as a women and as a mum. I don’t know if it was because I was a first time mum and I know there is lots of pressures on health care professionals and shortages in Midwifes, and PMDD isn’t recognised by health professionals. They don’t have the training in PMDD and it isn’t considered a vital thing when maternal mental health comes into the equation because no studies have been carried out on mothers! I can tell you now, if there was any research carried out, the stats would be shocking and extremely alarming.
Looking back, had I have known what would happened to me after having Austin, the problems, rage, suicidal ideation, anxiety and depression... I’m honestly not sure I would have wanted to have children and maybe would have opted years ago to have a hysterectomy! Recently I have spoken to some women who like myself suffer with PMDD, these brave women have spoken to me about making that hard decision to not have children out of fear of what could happen to them and not wanting to put a child through that due to lack of awareness and support! Some of these ladies have had children, but have chosen not to have any more because of their experiences after!
There are women out there in their 20's that have fought and chosen to have a hysterectomy. These courageous women would rather live life knowing they can’t have children, then suffer living with PMDD! This speaks volumes to me!
I ask you; What is it going to take before people start accepting that this is a disorder that affects so many women? Death? High profile court case? A celebrity coming forward and advocating for PMDD? Does it really have to get this far before someone takes notice and change happens.
PMDD disorder is so detrimental that women attempt or take their own life and I sometimes believe that as a society we are saying this is ok with us! This is ok because we choose not to acknowledge PMDD exists, its ok because I’ve never heard of it before so it’s just a new fancy word some women have made up! (believe it or not! I have heard these sort of comments from many people)
It’s even more frustrating that to live with PMDD daily, is so horrific that the majority of women who suffer would opt for a hysterectomy or put themselves into menopause to be PMDD clear. I know if it wasn’t for the want of having more children I would be booking myself in for a hysterectomy tomorrow!
Being a parent with PMDD is a huge struggle! I’m really not going to lie! I just live in hope that in a few years, there will be more understanding, acceptance and support available for women with PMDD.
Being pregnant with PMDD for me was incredible, minus having SPD !it’s a shame that you can’t bottle up how you feel, that normal feeling and sell it to all PMDD suffers. It’s the only time in life I wish that I could be constantly pregnant, minus having all the children!